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“I can’t believe that I will always be alone”

What to do to a person who clearly understands that dates are forever behind him? And that no one will ever confess his love to him? How to share your experiences with loved ones who are not ready to talk openly about this? The writer’s very personal thoughts on the topic of loneliness.

At the beginning of the year I went to a gala dinner with friends. The hosts and guests slowly wandered around the apartment, carried stacks of plates to the table, laid out appliances, sipped beer, waiting for the main dish to finally be cooked. The evening went beautifully, and we were already lazily eating our dessert when one of my neighbors, slightly tipsy, leaned towards me and asked: “So what happens in your life? In personal, I mean. ”

This is not such a strange question, and he did not really impress me. I was too open and relaxed after a hearty home-cooked meal and plentiful booze, and therefore honestly answered: “In truth, I don’t know if I will ever meet someone.” Before I could finish this sentence, my friend shook her head and rolled her eyes. Following her, the others began to unanimously refute my idea of ​​spending the rest of my life alone.

“What,” they asked vyingly, “have you not heard of such a thing as Tinder?” What about the OKCupid dating site? There are everyone who thought that he would never find a mate. It always happens: when you wait a long time, then suddenly once – and fall in love. Look at us! ”

Anyone can suffer from a lack of intimacy and understanding, even if he has a family

I watched. Everyone who was sitting at the table had a serious relationship. And everyone at some point thought that he would never meet anyone, but life proved that he was wrong. Therefore, all of them, looking at me, were sure that I – they were in the past, that I was just “on the eve”, “on the threshold”. Very soon, sooner than I can imagine, everything will be already “behind”. I just have to wait patiently because my fair prince rushes towards me as fast as he can.

For a split second, I hesitated, struggling with the desire to object that maybe no one was in a hurry. But she said nothing, although tears treacherously reappeared in her eyes. I just shrugged and said, “Yes, I know, I know.”

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Almost three years have passed since I had sex, for more than six years I have not had a long relationship. I enjoyed dating when they happened. But now it seems to me that all this is already behind. I don’t know if it’s really important why I am alone. I’m not particularly interested in figuring out what is still better: living in a couple, being single or sharing a lover (husband) with someone else: there are pros and cons in every situation.

Forty years old, lonely and happy

Anyone can feel lonely. Anyone can suffer from a lack of intimacy and understanding, even if he has a family. But the facts are such that today in the USA – for the first time in history – there are more single women than married women, and the reality that I can observe does not differ from the figures.

There is no way to describe that silent dull pain that you have experienced for many years, living in isolation from proximity

Having endured once a period of loving abstinence, then you are no longer so burdened by loneliness. I feel great when alone. I learned to enjoy my own company, and if suddenly it becomes boring, the world offers many distractions. The difficulty lies in the inability to talk about it, in the lack of vocabulary that will help explain how you look at your life. None of those who care about you want to hear that you have given up, scored, lost interest.

But what if we do not have many other ways to describe this strange personal purgatory in which you abide and which theoretically can end at any second. I never allowed myself to discuss for a long time and in detail what is happening with my personal life. And it’s harder to live on.

Take, for example, the gap situation. Now, during the years of my semi-voluntary celibacy, I have several friends who have had several novels. Some of these relationships were very passionate and deep, but there were almost no pauses between them. The keen sense of loss that arises after a break is very painful, but at least there is an exact expression for him: a broken heart.

I don’t have a simple way to describe that quiet dull pain that you have been experiencing for many years, living in isolation from physical and emotional intimacy. Riding on the floor, pouring drunk tears about your loneliness, in such a situation is simply ridiculous. This is just as absurd as saying to someone who has just parted with his lover: “I have heard all this before and will hear more than once before it comes to me.” But sometimes, in moments of severe resentment or irritation, I wanted to say this.

Love and relationships, like many other things in our lives, are temporary categories. While falling in love, we often think that this is forever, although theoretically this feeling is as unstable as a single state. But, looking forward, I do not see any other significant event, except for love, which could become the meaning and support of my existence in the future. After my best friend got married, she told me that she cried the whole next day, overflowing with love and warm feelings, in which everyone she knew at the wedding confessed.

She certainly deserves all this, but to myself I now understand: I cannot wait for such solemn confessions in this life. Unless – when I die, but, I believe, it will not please me in any way. Clinging to a life in which there is no obligation or children is a big job. And sometimes I feel like I give up and take me somewhere away into the gray space, in an unknown direction.

Weddings and bitter breakups are sharp and significant moments in a love journey, both of which allow us to feel truly alive. There is something exhilarating to go crazy about the departed love, to eat ice cream with a tablespoon of grief, watching TV, call friends at night in search of moral support, kiss in the night bar with a casual acquaintance.

I wanted to cry then, at the festive table, because I supported the comedy, saying that I was still waiting

And then time passes, and you stop kissing at the bar, and just sit and eat ice cream. This is not an emotional peak or decline. It is just a life that depresses and confuses all cards. I know that when I try to tell my friend that I will be alone forever, she imagines some kind of gloomy picture. She wants me to stop thinking like that. She wants to give advice, not wanting to acknowledge the subtext in the proposal to solve my “problem”.

And the subtext that underlies her banal advice is that I just need to continue to dream, hope and wait. Just wait, because we are guaranteed something better, love. But this is not so! And it’s not at all for everyone, and not even for those quite sane and attractive, like me.

I wanted to cry then, at the festive table, because I supported the comedy, saying that I was still waiting. And thereby belittled the life that I lead and which I do not consider bad at all. I can never say that I am alone forever. I’m still on standby until real life begins.

Written by malakandhills

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