Sometimes we provoke a breakdown in the relationship we hold dear. What mistakes should be avoided to keep love?
Whether we are with someone in a close relationship or not, happiness does not depend entirely on this circumstance. But if you still have a relationship, we definitely feel happier, says Ilona Bonivell in Keys to Well-Being.
Relations that do not develop exactly as we would like to adjust are not very difficult, especially if the couple have been together not so long ago. Summarizing his observations, psychologist Paula Pietromonaco and her colleagues from the University of Massachusetts identified the most common mistakes in the relations of partners. And while the consequences of our mistakes have not reached destructive proportions, we have a chance to correct them. What mistakes to avoid if we want to maintain a relationship?
1. To think that the partner is not going anywhere
As relationships develop, we increasingly take the presence of a partner in our lives for granted. The signs of attention given to each other at the very beginning, surprises and other pleasant trifles gradually disappear.
Often we stop noticing and appreciating our loved ones just because we are used to them
On the one hand, this suggests that relations are becoming more mature. But on the other hand, longing for a beautiful romantic period can overshadow the valuable, which, in fact, holds the union together. At such moments it’s useful to dream up how my life would look in a different scenario. For example, without my partner.
Imagine how you will live if you really part? What will you do? Will it affect your well-being and your ideas about a happy future?
These fantasies will help to maintain a relationship, sharper feel those feelings that bind you and that are likely to have been dulled due to the fact that you have been together for a long time: attachment, interest in a partner, concern for him and a whole range of your personal experiences! It is very important to listen to them – they can become the right guide for you.
Often we stop noticing and appreciating our loved ones just because we are used to them and we think that they will not get away from us. But if we (albeit involuntarily) transmit our indifference to the partner, sooner or later he will begin to look for lost and received care and attention outside our relationship.
2. To think that the partner will leave you
Being inattentive to a partner is a bad idea, but the other extreme is equally unproductive for relationships – when we are too attached to him and think only about one thing: does he love us? Does it cherish our relationship? People who are too dependent on the attention of another person can scare away those who are close to them with their excessive need for love and its confirmation. After the boundaries of relations are outlined and mutual obligations are defined, it is not at all necessary to constantly ask whether you are not indifferent to the partner.
Paying attention only to what you don’t like, you risk not noticing anything good in your loved one
And even if the relationship is just developing and it is too early to talk about obligations, you are able to determine for yourself how sincere the other person is with you. Are you interested in your life, how friendly and attentive to your mood, whether it takes into account your tastes and desires – these and other signs will help dispel anxiety about the feelings and intentions of the partner.
3. Ignore the boundaries of the personal space of the couple
The existing pairs always have their secrets that unite the two, and it is very important that the partners respect this intimate space. By dedicating other people to some of the details of our private lives, we run the risk of hurting the feelings of a loved one and undermining his trust in us.
If you reveal some secret of your partner to outsiders and the information reaches him (the world is small!), He may not even know that you became the source of this gossip, but his feeling of resentment and humiliation will not become less painful. You will begin to empathize with him (especially if the partner is nevertheless dear to you) and you will suffer from remorse for having once too openly opened up on topics that should not be addressed. These experiences can be long and painful, but, alas, can not solve the problem.
4. Complain about a partner
Those of us who are in long relationships, as a rule, have a clear idea of what they would like to “tweak” in their partner. And this is not surprising, since ideal people do not exist. The problem arises if we decide to discuss our list of claims not with a partner, but with someone else who is ready to sympathize with us. Apart from the fact that this will be the disclosure of personal secrets (see paragraph 3), such a strategy in itself is destructive. After all, the partner simply can not guess the essence of our claims.
So, for starters, share your ideas with him? By the way, constantly paying attention to what you do not like, you risk not noticing anything good in a loved one. Unwanted traits, qualities, or habits that you focus on tend to not disappear. So if you are too focused on what annoys you, then in the end you will find only reasons for irritation.
5. Suppress dissatisfaction
It is not difficult to see a reason for mutual irritation in a long-term relationship, the question is how we decide to deal with it. Perhaps one of the most dangerous ways to deal with irritation is to save it, pretending that nothing is happening. It may seem that hiding your displeasure or disagreement with what the partner says and / or does is much safer, but it is not. Without telling him (her) what we really feel, we risk losing confidence and delaying the possibility of a frank conversation.
Moreover, unspoken irritation goes into the realm of the unconscious. And then we seem to accidentally forget to call our partner or fulfill his important request … These actions do not meet our intentions, but they may be driven out of consciousness by emotions. Therefore, if you suddenly notice that such incidents begin to happen to you, a person who is, in principle, attentive and organized, it is worth thinking about their hidden causes. And find the strength to honestly discuss them with your partner.
6. Constantly doubt
Do you often worry about the prospect of your relationship? Afraid of jinxing, saying, or doing something wrong? Do you see the partner’s tiredness as signs of inattention, self-neglect, unwillingness to maintain a relationship? If such anxiety overcomes us too often, we risk two things at once. Firstly, comfort and loss of confidence.
A partner can feel doubts and interpret them as reluctance to move on
And secondly, when we constantly think over various options for the development of events and draw up a plan of action in the event of a break, we unwittingly charge our relations with our anxiety as well. A partner can feel our doubts and indecision and interpret them not as a fear of losing him, but as an unwillingness to go further in these relations, and in this case, an early separation can become a very probable prospect.
7. Do not take your partner seriously enough
What place do you assign to a partner in your priority system? Do your children come first? And work, of course, in the same place? Of course, you can always find a logical and understandable explanation: children grow up quickly, and you want to devote more time to them, and at work you are just at the peak of demand, which is unlikely to be expected in the near future.
But time goes on, children grow up, business people retire, and partners who do not feel the value and significance in a relationship leave them because no one likes to be in last place.
8. Stop believing in a partner
Loss of work, health problems or death of friends or relatives – from time to time, sorrows fall on the share of each of us. When one of the two faces difficulties, it becomes a test for the other. It would seem that what is required is obvious: to provide support and cheer up a loved one. But if you are accustomed to the fact that your companion is your support, it is difficult to cope with anxiety and show real, not fake optimism.
The conviction that the partner will cope will not only help ease his pain, but will also become an impulse to find strength in himself
When the black streak drags on and the partner continues to remain discouraged and inactive, you already begin to doubt that he is in principle able to get out of a difficult situation. Nevertheless, it is important to sincerely believe all the time that troubles will end. Your support and firm conviction that the partner will surely cope will not only help ease his pain, but will also become a necessary impulse for him to find the strength in himself and overcome the trials.
9. Stop believing in your relationship
In addition to the problems that each of the partners faces, the couple as a whole may also face difficulties. The list of possible reasons, due to which we can lose hope for the future of our relations, is significant – from a banal misunderstanding and a difference of characters to someone’s betrayal. But if you allow yourself to give up, no matter what exactly happened, you will close yourself the opportunity to establish an emotional connection with a person who has been dear to you for a long time. You have invested a lot in this relationship, do not let despair cross out all this at one point.
The sense of hopelessness is often the result of a whole set of irrational beliefs, such as: “if it is bad now, it will always be bad”, “life should be joyful and pleasant”, “constant minor disagreements speak about deep problems”. Stop yourself every time these beliefs try to take hold of your thoughts and stop them – then it will be easier to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship, rather than on the negative ones.